We named the sick people

They’re zombies. That’s right, I said it. Zombies.

It’s cold and rainy. The number of zombies better decrease soon, or we’re in trouble up here. John looks really pissed; he stamps around in the intermittent rain, and when he gets to the edge, he swells up with rage, as if he's going to scream all the zombies away. He doesn't, and the zombies continue to stay oblivious to us. We need to go downstairs soon, which means we need target practice; there are tens of zombies in the store at all times. If we don't go in, we're going to freeze and starve to death. If we go down, we're going to get infected. Where is the rest of society? Why hasn't anyone come to help us yet?

Helen E. Monroe, 8 October 2009

We're safe on top of Walmart

Hi Mom, Dad and Walter. I hope you are somewhere safe, because there is no sign of the end for this, what ever this is! We've watched people stagger around below for days. They aren’t going anywhere really, just wandering, not even seeing each other. They look disgusting, like they were attacking by dogs. They grown as if they’re in pain, but they don’t bleed. We’ve talked it over, Jason, 4 friends who hid with us and I, and this must be a super-strain of rabies. Rabies makes you act crazy and violent; you drool and attack other people. Eventually you die. None of us are vaccinated for rabies (I was once 4 years ago, but the vaccine doesn't last very long), so we’re waiting for all these sick people to die before we move. They just keep coming. We saw a couple cars yesterday, trying to drive west, out of town, but they ran into so many people, so many piled on the hoods. The cars had to stop and, through the binoculars, we watched the wanderers attack them through the windows. They swarmed like ants on jam! After a while, no one paid attention to the cars anymore, and the passengers weren't moving. Later Jason said he saw movement in the cars, and I threw up. Sheri started crying, and Tina was gasping as if someone had punched her in the stomach.

We’re more resolved than ever to stay put. I don’t know how long we can stay here. There’s plenty of food inside the building, but there’s no way we’re climbing down there! We have good sleeping bags, but it’s getting really cold at night. The sick people don’t seem to notice; they walk by, 24 hours a day, hundreds of them. Where’s the military when we need them? Sitting on top of a Walmart in the Iowa- we can see for miles in all directions and there’s no one else here. Somebody help us!

Helen E. Monroe, 7 October 2009

Is my family still out there?

Janet and Ben Monroe of Baltimore, Maryland, please respond!  It's Helen.  You won't answer your phones, and the world has gone to hell!  Walter Nathaniel Monroe, you're still alive, I know it.  You were so tough all the time, so I'm sure you're fighting off all these crazy people.  What the hell happened to this world?!

Here's my info so any of you can find me, cuz I know these mindless, hungry jerks can't use a computer, let alone read:

I am camped out on top of the Super Walmart in Coralville, IA, off Interstate 80 at exit 240, north side.  We have guns, and food.  It's getting cold, but I don't know what else to do.  If you're not out there, I don't have any place to go.

I won't move, because, like being lost in the woods, it's better to stay put.  You'll be found faster.  Please leave a comment here.  I love you all!

Flu Update

Hi Everyone. I still have the flu, of course it's only the next day, so who's surprised.

Symptoms: achey, sore throat, sneezing, stuffed up. Symptoms missing: fever, running nose, coughing.

I sound like I'm getting better, because I'm not violently coughing at great decibels, but I still feel terrible. Last night, I was laying in bed, trying to figure out which position made my sinuses feel a little less like exploding, and I realized I had been doing this for an hour. I couldn't fall asleep! And then it happened. The one thing that always means "long crappy feeling of not sleeping coming", whether it's an illness or being totally hung over: I could feel myself digest. We're talking transverse colon (middle of your colon, stretches across the middle of your abdomen), audibly grumbling food stuffs across your midsection in a way that feels like 5 small cousins just punched you in the gut from right to left.

I first recognized this when laying on a friends couch after a great party. I was hung over and unable to sleep after waking up at 6 am, the moment when my body shifted from still drunk to hungover. Thanks body. The hosts came to check on me: "Helen sweetie, how are you feeling" asked Sherri; "That couch sucks for sleeping. You couldn't have slept well" said Matt. Without opening my eyes I slowly opened my mouth and paused. They leaned in to hear my whisper, and I said "I can feel my transverse colon digesting" upon which Matt laughed uncontrollably and walked away, and Cherri sat on the floor giggling next to me. Once in a while they remind me of this, in public, and those of us who were there have a good laugh, and those who weren't feel awkward about what they're witnessing. At any rate, here I am in bed, with nothing to do but think about the duties of my colon. And then the faux Nyquil must have kicked in, cuz I don't remember a thing until the alarm went off. Lucky for me!

Still sick on Wednesday the 23rd! I think there are other illnesses happening, but I'll save those for another entry. Only so much complaining per post!

(Entries are posted days later, so the post date and date of entry may not match.)

The FLU!

I have the flu. I know I do. And my boyfriend has it. I got it first, and gave it to him. We live together.

Symptoms: achey, coughing, sore throat, sneezing, stuffed up. Symptoms missing: fever, running nose.

I had to teach tonight. I teach undergrads at a university. I was really worried about the coughing and sore throat. Having to lecture for 2 and a half hours was going to feel terrible and I would sound all scratchy. Amazingly, my throat didn't hurt at all, even after the entire lecture. The only problem I found was that all my glottal stops (the sound from the hyphen in uh-oh) resonated through my stuffed up skull and sounded like nose grunts! But the students seemed to pick everything up.

As for sleeping, I've been waking up to cough a little every three hours, as if at the end of every REM cycle my throat needed attention. So I started taking Walgreen's brand Nyquil cherry flavor, which tastes worst than the nasty shots guyfriends buy you so they can laugh at your retching afterwards. I ran out of that after a couple days, and had to buy more, this time from Hy-Vee Supermarket. This stuff also tastes nasty, but tastes a bit better than the Walgreen's stuff. That is my advise of the day: Hy-Vee brand faux Nyquil cherry flavor.

Waiting out the flu: it showed up on Saturday September 19th, and I still feel terrible on Monday the 21st. Lots of working in bed for me this week.

Nasal Malaise, and the State of the Nose Address

My father and I were discussing our respective nasal situations (his large and unruly, mine narrow and unusable) and came to the realization that there are by far too few discussions of the general nasal malaise that so many people suffer: deviated septums; polyps; constant sinus infections; general "broken faucet" syndrome; etc.  I'm going to bring this topic into the light, as I did once at the bar with friends.  My doctor instructed me to pour water through my face so as to refurbish my nasal burrows.  I thought this was preposterous, and said so to some friends who proceeded to extensively discuss their nasal laundering.  The following, reported to my parents, is my initial critique of this technique, and to let you know, after trying it, I still detest it, most of all, because it didn't work:

"I couldn't remember if I told you about the nose doctor visit.  Apparently, I do have a deviated septum; I guess there doesn't need to be much deviation to be deviated, for mine is rather slight.  They threaded a camera in my nose to see the inside and my superior throat; the camera wouldn't fit in one side, because, surprise, my nose is too narrow.  There wasn't much excitement about anything: it's a tight space but things looked pretty good.  My addenoids (in the superior throat, a kind of tonsil) are enlarged, and these can contribute to poor drainage, sleep apnea, and other general ear/nose/throat bothers (not their words but my research).  I'm going back in 7 weeks to have another look.  I bet if I'm still having problems and the addenoids are still large, there might be surgerical removal of addenoids suggested (my assumption).  Until then, I'm supposed to squirt 8 cups of salt water up my nose each day to really get things cleaned out, a daunting process which I have complete reservations about actually doing, and therefore haven't started.  I'd have to get up maybe an hour earlier to do this, because it's messy, tastes bad, and creates a socially awkward situation every time you bend over for about a half hour afterwards.  They also gave me pointers on how to take my nose spray, where I'm supposed to pinch my nose bridge to keep the spray from going down my throat.  I fail to see the merit in pinching my immovable bones to properly place an aerosol, and have thus lost complete desire to use the flonase as well.  I'm sure they know what they're talking about, and when a doctor instructs me to do something, I always follow it.  However, all of this is a bit much and I'm a bit busy with my research right now to prep for my twice daily nose drownings.  And Lord knows there will be too much drinking at my annual professional meetings for nasal deluges either.  So now I'm a bad patient.  They shouldn't have told me that this head irrigation may be an eternal ritual for me.  They should make a reward system instead: after you complete so many nasal hosings you get movie tickets."

I have since been back to the doctor, who seemed unmoved by my admitted resistance to nose inundations, and didn't ask me anything about, although I was very willing to offer up my professional opinion that they didn't work because all my plumping is too small and thus nothing can get anywhere, the main reason why I'm the Sinus Infection Sultan.  At any rate, everything looked fine and they seemed to be very pleased with what resulted from no nasal flooding, and greatly reduced use of nasal spray.  Another fantastic visit with a doctor who feels no need to discuss my state with me, as if I don't have some sort of vested interest.  No, in fact, I was just there for the treat of sitting in the waiting room with a convict eyeing me.  Jolly good time that.

Beginnings

Hi. I've been thinking about writing up my illnesses and sharing them. I'm a hypochondriac, and I don't necessarily like to go to doctors, especially hospitals, so I thought this could be therapeutic. I bet that's what a psychologist would say; I don't go to one, so I wouldn't know. Anyway, I hope that I can become a little less obsessed with the poor works of my body as I write and then set the illnesses free, over the internet, and out of my head. Maybe someone can find a friend in these feelings. And I can feel better.